Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Because I feel compelled to provide a public service, in the process I’m going to swallow pretence and reveal to the world that I am completely batshit crazy.

My devolution started a few days ago when I received a message from my doctor’s office that there were irregular results from a test they’d performed on me. They said it was nothing to worry about; they’d probably just test me more often in the future.

Right. What? Me worry?

In the days that followed, I started to compute the law of averages and eventually entered my mathematical equation into google.

Through careful selection of my returns, I determined that I had a very serious illness. And I straight up panicked. I wouldn’t be able to question any medical professionals until the next day, which delivered my superfreakout, oh, let’s say, to the moon.

When Ben got home from a night away, I hugged him extra hard, but decided not to tell him what was going on. This was in part because I didn’t want him to worry and in another part because in the back of my mind I thought I could be wrong and I he would discover that I am a total lunatic. (Note: this is probably not news to my partner of 19 years.)

These are nuts. So am I.

I busied myself with housework during the day and sedated myself with reassurances between each nighttime twitch. (Let’s not forget that just a couple of weeks ago I had a similar, much-shorter-term attack that I was capable of recognizing and disdaining as delusion during the daylight hours. So where did that calm clutch I had on my sanity go?)

Anyway, at precisely 8:01 this morning, I made the call. A physician’s assistant took down my list of questions and concerns and told me she’d call back after she’d consulted with my doctor. About five fidgety hours later I heard from her. In essence, she said, though much more politely and sensitively, “Lady, please.”

So here’s my prescription to all of you: if you’re feeling ill and aren’t sure why, don’t google it. 

Don’t do it. 

Really, just don’t do it. 

Don’t.

Do.

It.

The End.