Do-Over #2.

Last summer, on July 17, I wrote another post that I didn't want to share. Considering what I've shared since then, it seems pretty benign. But I was incredibly fragile at that time, and I know that the stress I was feeling was making me a little crazy. A lot crazy. Off the map crazy. Here it is, with only a couple of deletes. 

"I just arrived home with my new prescription and sat down to read the indications and cautions. Yes, the rash that I thought I had fought off is lingering on and this is the latest treatment in response to yet another, different diagnosis.

The problem is, having done my reading, I am now afraid to take this medication. Not only will I be on it for as many as 12 weeks, I also won’t know for quite awhile if it is working. And considering the record of accuracy so far, you might say I am losing my trust.

I would just try it anyway, but this drug has possible side effects. Some serious, some just troubling: like the potential loss of smell and taste that could be permanent. I quite like these two senses, and the fact that they are my two highest functioning makes me feel a certain attachment to them as my last connections with the world of experiences.

This probably sounds a little crazy, but I honestly can’t remember the last time I felt so anxious and panicked. I am so hyper-aware of how wrong I feel that I’m actually freaking out about freaking out."

That was pretty much it. It is difficult now to even remember what I was feeling at that time. Being nine months free of the condition (although not cured), I've forgotten what was like to be so ill and to have no one know why.

I do recall at one point telling Ben that I felt no joy in my life anymore. This made us both feel terrible, but for completely different reasons, I suspect. It took great effort and some much needed hope to become myself again. But, what it illuminated for me, and clearly, I am in danger of forgetting that, is that so many people suffer. They have illnesses that can't be cured or controlled. They must still find a way to live and appreciate the time and the moments they do have. And that's pretty humbling to think about.